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 Ask-a-Hero: Issue 5 
This issue of Ask-a-Hero lets us know whether Cowman is really "Dear Abbot," and we find out why Ostrich isn't allowed near peanut butter. Most importantly, we see the introduction of the nerfarious "Spriderman."
More Ask-a-Hero pages: New 5 4 3 2 1 |
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6/20/07
Dear Alftan,
Do you find it difficult to work for someone like Cowman? He seems to be a few pumpkins short of a patch. Does he pay you well? Is that why you stay? Do you get free health insurance? Don't you need it working for him?
-Curious |
Dear Curious,
Cowman is, at times, rather difficult to work with. Oh wait...you're question was is it difficult to work for Cowman. Did you know that Cowman reads this website constantly? Let's see if you can read my answer, don't mind my p's and q's. IT can be pretty easy, especially now that Cowman IS distracted by the Duck Simulator game on this site. However, I find Cowman to be a VERY fair employer. I imagine it would be ANNOYING to work for, say, Ostrich. As for pay and health insurance and all the other ''perks''...no amount of compensation is worth working as Cowman's butler. But this is my job, and you gotta do what you gotta do. And when it comes to needing the health insurance; it's not my job to get hurt, it's Ostrich's (though more than likely Cowman will take the blows). Wereman will, oftentimes, gets hurt, but he's not part of our team (which is why I wonder why he follows us around).
-Alftan |
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5/21/07
Dear Cowman,
I have been reading some of your answers to people's questions and I want to know if you have ever considered writing a syndicated advice column. I think a lot of people would benefit from your down-to-earth advice.
P.S. Is Wereman a street urchin? I think I saw him outside the trash dump at my apartment building.
-Archie's Mom |
Dear Archie's Mom,
I am a master of disguise, so for all you know I'm "Dear Abbot" or whatever her name is... Abby... Abbey? It's not important, because I'm not her. I agree that most folks would benefit from my advice (I am more heroic than Dr. Phil and Dear Abbess combined... hmm, what would they look like combined?). In conclusion, a syndicated advice column is what everyone wants me to have, but nobody has actually offered me!
Oh, and that Wereman fellow, he's more of a street crawdad, scavenging through the shallow streams that are the city's alleys. He'll never refuse good refuse!
-Cowman |
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| 5/13/07
Hey Cowman,
Like I can't seem to find the peanut butter and Wereman and I are having a contest to who can chug the most. I think we're out of it. I'd let Alftan know but he said something like this was his week off. Or maybe it was month. Anywho, are we in 2006 again because your update says we are. And if we are in 2006 I need to let Wereman know it's almost time for his annual bath. So could you pick up peanut butter on your way home? That's my question..
-Ostrich |
Dear Ostrich,
I told you not to try drowning Wereman in peanut butter. I know that's what you're trying to do! It was funny the first couple times, but now I'm really getting tired of it.
I had nothing to do with that whole "2006 again" thing. I think the people who update that column on the side there were trying some kind of weird experiment in time travel. One of them even accused me of "not thinking fourth dimensionally." Anyway... I'm glad the site came back to the future, because I was feeling a little too groovy. That's what I hated about 2006, the grooviness. I also hated how you kept trying to drown Wereman in peanut butter...
Which brings me to my answer. No, I will not pick up peanut butter on my way home, but if you're really good I just might bring home a nice cool jar of meat paste.
-Cowman |
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| 5/7/07
Dear Cowman,
You're credit doesn't matter to us! If you OWN real estate and want IMMEDIATE cash to spend ANY way you like, or simply wish to LOWER your monthly payments by a third or more, here is the deal we can offer you TODAY (hurry, this offer will expire TONIGHT): $336,000+ Loan.
-Will |
Dear Billiam,
I am sorry to say, I find your comments rather rude! Why don't you care about my credit? It's perfect, and I think it's about time you took notice, my friend!
Well... there was that one late payment... But you can't blame that on me. That mail carrier more zooped out than a phytoplankton! He tried to zap me with his dog taser. I couldn't help it if his truck ended up in Davy Jones' Locker. And even I won't go in there without a sidekick... that bar gives me the jeepies (not to mention lice, eww).
-Cowman |
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| 5/7/07
Greetings Citizens,
Many people have been telling me that this "Spriderman" I've been searching for is really just a typo, and that Austin meant to ask a question about "Spider-Man."
Well, I went and saw the new documentary, Spider-Man 3, and I can definitively say that while Spiderman does "climb," he doesn't "stay up" as Austin described. In fact, he was coming down all the time! This makes it obvious that Austin was talking about something else... something far more sinister... something that goes up, but does not come down!
-Cowman |
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| 4/16/07
Dear Cowman,
My boyfriend that i have been dating for 11 months has a younger brother my age that i go to school with. his brother and i have gotton really close until just recently he has started dating this girl i do not like one bit! she is a player but every realtionship she has been in has been a long realtionship. at least 9 months. i have tried to get him to date other girls before her but he has never been interstsed he has never been in a long realtionship before. i can't stand her one bit. she is so stuck up and makes me feel like [unhappy word]! i dont know what i should do. Help me.
-Sandy |
Dear Sandy,
I'm not much of a relationships advice guy, but I'll try to help. Unless this is a hero/villain relationship... then I'd say, "Thwart her evil plans and then turn her in to the police!"
It's hard when someone you care about is doing things you don't like, but you can't make them do something that they don't want to do. And it's especially hard when they have a strong emotional attachment to someone who isn't good for them.
I remember this one time when Wereman fell in love with a super villain... ugh... that caused so much trouble. The Royal Society of Elvis Impersonators was nearly destroyed in the resulting conflict.
I think it is good to tell people how you feel, but do it kindly. It could hurt your relationship if you just say, "She's dumb, don't go out with her." You should try to have a serious talk with your friend, where you explain what your problems with his girlfriend are. Explain how you feel, and how you think she will hurt him. Then tell him that you could be wrong about her, since he likes her so much, and have him tell you what he likes about her. Maybe you'll understand his postion a little better. Then you can try talking to your boyfriend, and tell him to talk to his brother. He shouldn't be mean. He should just tell his brother to remember that dating people who are mean to his family or friends will only lead to serious problems and unhappiness down the line. It is said that your family and friends are often (not always) better judges of the people you're dating than you are. Keep this in mind for yourself, and don't fall in love with a villain!
But, in the end, you often just have to wait for these things to end on their own. Just try to help him keep from getting too serious with this girl... once they're married and they have a kid, there's not much you can do about it.
-Cowman |
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| 4/16/07
Dear Cowman,
who are you are you [bleep] like a [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?
-Shilo |
Dear Silo or whatever,
You'd better wash your mouth out with soap every day for a month! I've never heard such immature baby-sailor-talk, or whatever you call it these days. If I was right there I'd give you the mighty boot of justice, that's for sure. And, just in case you didn't realize from the censoring, we don't print that kind of talk here!
This is a clean, heroic, family-friendly site. That means we can't have all you potty-mouthed kids ruining things here for all the adults!
-Cowman
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| 2/20/07
Hello good Citizens,
I'm just letting youi know that a new short film starring me is up on this website. I do have to say, however, that the film was made out of one of my less heroic adventures... It's amazing how bad the advice you give one day can seem when you look back on it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
-Cowman |
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| 2/16/07
Dear Ostrich,
How can I find superman pictures that I can print?
-William |
Dear William,
What is a super-man? Do you mean were-man, because I wouldn't call him exactly "super." Although he is "super" good at being a human punching bag, for smelling up the place, and for leaving the toilet seat up, I still wouldn't call him "super." Possibly "mediocre" on days that don't end in "y."
-Ostrich
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| 2/16/07
Dear Cowman,
How can I find superman pictures?
-William
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Dear William,
These men, these SUPER men, they don't hold a candle to it do they? How high does it hold? Where is it? If you can find it, let me know, because that's what we were founded on. It can't be bought or made, but when you catch it, you catch fire! But don't put put it down because you'll just feel cold and slimy. No, live the burn! You can't float that canoe, can you? Just bring it up and put it down.
-Cowman
Hey! That wasn't me who wrote that. Is this connected to the Spriderman problem? Hold on while I try to find out... meanwhile, you can get some pictures of me on this website, and it doesn't get much more super than that!
-The (Real) Cowman
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| 2/16/07
Dear Cowman,
How does spriderman climb & stay up?
-Austin
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Dear Austin,
I'm going to have to look up more information on this Spriderman. I'll get back to you... he does sound suspicious, what is he climbing on anyway?
-Cowman
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2/6/07
Dear Alftan,
I was very impressed by your performance in your Christmas special. Are you doing any other acting? Perhaps one day you could be in one of my movies, or perhaps even a television show that plays 24/7, that would be awesome. What do you think?.
-Orca
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Dear Orca,
I don't have a Christmas special. Does anyone care what I want Christmas? No, they don't. I'll send this to that compost-brained Wereman.
-Alftan
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Dear Orca,
I'm always going 247 days a year anyway, but I tried to get on television once, but the security guards punch and kick behind the studio. They don't show that on the camera! That was originally what my Christmas special was supposed to be about, but then I got that awful letter from Santa... Why!!! Oh, but it all turned out alright.
-Wereman
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2/6/07
Dear Wereman,
What's up with all the crazy poastings? Did people actually post these or are you bunch just Schizophrenic? Answer me that sir. Though I am unsure why I ask you this given you likely have no idea what I'm talking about. My point is are these real people? Cause come on now, nutso. Anyhow, I am your greatest fan.
-Me
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Dear Me,
Wait, who's writing this? Who is me? Is it me? Am I me? Why am I asking me this? I don't understand what me is doing or what is happening. ME? ME!!
Oh, Cowman explained it. Your name is Mr. Me! I call me me, but everyone calls you me! Nobody knows who they are when they talk to you! If you're you or me, and they're me or you're me. But then still the letters are real, that's why you scare me. These real people want to know if I like 2-ply. These real people want to know if Cowman tastes good! These real people want to know everything. What are they finding out?
-Wereman |
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More Ask-a-Hero pages: New 5 4 3 2 1
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Announcements:
1/30/08
Can Cowman do math? Is the US legal system fair? Ask-a-Hero!
10/26/07
How does Alftan to more than 3 things at once? Ask-a-Hero! I mean... read the new Ask-a-Hero!
7/16/07
Even more great Ask-a-Hero! Now loaded with RSS! We know that makes no sense!
5/21/07
Is Cowman really Dear Abby? Is Wereman an urchin? Find out today!
5/13/07
It is 2007, not 2006. Ignore our brief experiment in time travel.
5/10/06 ???
Like most weeks we've updated the store, and added new items.
3/13/07
Cowman 2, the classic TI-83 game, is now available for those with a graphlink.
2/20/07
The short film, Wrath of the Cowman, is now online.
1/9/06
New Movies section. See The Wereman Christmas Special.
11/16/05
New Christmas Desktop Wallpapers
10/31/05
Heroic Halloween Safety Advice! (Warning: may not contain actual advice)
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