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 Ask-a-Hero 
Type your question in the form below and select either Cowman, Ostrich, Wereman, or Alftan. Include your name or an alias (Inputting a name is required). Then they'll post your message here with their reply as soon as they can.
More Ask-a-Hero pages: New 5 4 3 2 1
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| 1/30/08
Dear Cowman,
What is 6% of 75 and how do you get the answeryess?
-Yessica
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Dear Yessica,
Well, I think someone here doesn't understand math, because 6% means 6 per 100, so if you only have 75 you don't have enough to make 6.
-Cowman
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| 1/30/08
Dear Cowman,
Does the United States legal system attempt to administer fairness and justice all over the USA?
-Symone
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Dear Symone,
Mostly. Except in Arkansas. Most people involved in the United States legal system think that Arkansas doesn't exist. They think it's just a typo, or someone trying to be funny when they write "Kansas." I've heard lawyers say, "Arr-Kansas, that's the part of Kansas where you find all the pirates."
On another note, the legal system is more concerned with order than fairness, or else the state lottery would be completely different. Instead of one person winning a bazillion dollars, everybody would just get their dollar back.
I certainly try to administer Justice and Fairness in my city, hence my long running campaign for lottery reform. But I too am more concerned with protecting people than with making sure everything is fair.
-Cowman
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| 12/5/07
Goodly Citizens,
I was just doing my weekly thinking, and I began to wonder once again who would win in a fight: Me or Chuck Norris. I've read some things on the internet that make me fear the day he'll turn to evil and we'll be forced into combat.
Lucky for me, I realized that if he's as mighty as they say, Chuck Norris could never be turned to evil! So, if we did fight, he would just knock some sense into me. Then we would join forces (just like when he joined forces with Mike Huckabee)! That would be a dark day for criminals.
-Cowman
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| 12/5/07
Dear Cowman,
Where can I get a Ropeman tshirt (from mighty hereos)? Thanks.
-Robert Vespe
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Dear Robert,
I don't know anything about this, "Ropeman." I happen to be quite I mighty hero, though! Hold on a second while I look him up...
Okay. The Cow-culator (my crime-fighting super computer) tells me that Ropeman has been out of service for some time. I believe you might have to contact collectors of old things if you wish to find one of his t-shirts. I fact, if me eyes don't decieve me, he doesn't even wear a t-shirt, so finding one of his t-shirts might prove impossible.
-Cowman
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| 12/5/07
Dear Ostrich,
How old am i?
-Kate
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Dear Kate,
Is that a riddle or a knock-knock joke? No matter, I will use my mega-heroic side-kick genius to carefully deduce your age. Ohm... uhm... it's coming to me... your age is... what? Sorry, Kate. Gotta go. Wereman got his head stuck in the toilet again, and it's my turn to clean the bathroom. A sidekick's work is never done.
-Ostrich
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| 10/26/07
Dear Alftan,
How do you do more than 3 things at a time without messing up one ting?
-Tiffany
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Dear Tiffany,
I can't do more than 3 things at a time. In fact, the only way that I'm able to do more than 1 thing at once is to do the things very quickly, so that it appears like I'm doing more than 1 thing at once. As for me,
I'm usually either working, or cleaning Cow Manor...but never both. Fortunately for me, I'm a butler...so when I'm wandering around the Manor, it looks like I'm working. And I am.
-Alftan
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10/26/07
Good Day Citizens!
I realized that our last two answers may have proven a bit... confusing. So I've decided to explain. You see, I was running behind on my Answers, so I got Ostrich to write half the answer and I wrote the other half. This also serves to hide our answers in a sort of "CODE." Guess which half I wrote!
-Cowman
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| 10/1/07
Dear Cowman,
Qrmki rqjhxunt ushk bnqdj xyncj ncvhb xqez?
-Ijqvpbsw Lzbtehxs
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Dear Ijqvpbsw Lzbtehxs,
When ducks point south, they quack repeatedly. When geese walk around trash quickly, they fight mightily against supreme duck commanders. The worst of the injuries are usually very lopsided because ducks chew far more vigorously than geese. In these circumstances, you should hold lots of candles. This protects the skin of your world's perspective from endangerment. You should pound those peoples who try to extinguish our radiant sunlight. But you learn from another pounding, which leads to your own enlightenment. Ducks, which can also destroy enlightenment through incessant behavior, must lead our geese into pounding. Only geese, once pounded, may lose their enlightenment.
-Cowman & Ostrich
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| 10/1/07
Dear Cowman,
While you're on the topic of the meaning of 'killer wail', why don't you settle a bet for me. Is there a difference between a 'Killer Wail' and a 'Wilhelm Scream'? If not, then is 'Wilhelm Scream' another term for 'Orca'?
-Ari Zonya
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Dear Ari Zonya,
The 'Wilhelm Scream' can bewilder the mind between sneezes. But talking about nasal superiority demonstrates the superiority of longevity. You smell indifferent to the 'Killer Wail.' Plus, you taste indifferent, which clearly defines your natural circumference of girth. Orcas, however, move with great power. The power speaks volumes of volumes, and we appreciate volume. So the answer is 'No.' In other words the 'Killer Orca' is smarter than the 'Wilhelm Scream.'
-Cowman & Ostrich
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| 10/1/07
Dear Alftan,
If you lost a friendship over a silly thing and wanted to be friends again, how do you do it?
-Tiffany
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Dear Tiffany,
The way I see it, if the 'thing' really was silly to begin with, then you're still friends. For example, a friend and I traveled to a casino...for a butler convention. We happened upon the kingpin of...a rival butler house. He challenged us to a game of Blackjack. I thought I had the game in the bag, given that I was dealt an Ace and a ten. But my friend, he HAD to upstage me. He was dealt an Ace and a King. The other guy probably thought we were playing a different game...at one point, he yelled, 'Go fish!' Or maybe that was a guy behind him watching the fish races? Anyway, I didn't speak to my friend for the rest of the convention, in spite of the fact that he saved my life three times in that week (butler conventions can be dangerous)! But do you see how silly it was for me to even be offended? In the end, I decided our friendship was more important than my (formerly) unbeaten Blackjack record; and, because we were friends, we stayed friends. Silly things, after all, don't separate friends but bring them together.
-Alftan
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| 7/16/07
Dear Wereman,
I noticed you on the subway in the film "Wrath of the Cowman" and I am curious... What were you doing on the subway? And, did you want the banana too?
-Orca
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Dear Orca,
Were-were were-were were-were were-were werewere-werewere were-were were-were. That's My new drum song! Play it all day long. I never found you on the subway. If you saw me there it was a lie. I was only there because I was tired and I sat down, but then the chair started moving! I didn't even know where I was when I got off. That's when I went crawling arount on the tracks. That was fun. I can't remember the last time. Then I found a banana. It was squished, but I don't like the insides anyway, they're too sweet. They have yummy peels. I said good. This is way too good. I didn't even see the train! It was coming. I don't remember the last time... I don't know what the internet is. Someone told me they saw Orca on there and it's a killer wail. That's what I was going to say.
-Wereman
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Dear Orca,
I'd like to point out that Wereman misunderstood the meaning of your name. It means killer whale, not "killer wail."
-Cowman
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| 7/12/07
Dear Alftan,
Where's the butter?
-Someone in need of butter
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Dear Someone in need of butter,
I would check your refrigerator for butter. If, however, your butter is too bitter, then go down to the store and buy a bit of better butter, lest you put it in your batter and it makes your batter bitter. I heard the Betty Botter brand of butter is the better one; but be careful because their butter comes in bitter, un-bitter, and ebulliently bitter.
-Alftan
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7/12/07
Dear Cowman,
I am interested in purchasing some Loaf-o's because I hear that they keep well and seeing as how I am currently residing in the middle of the woods in order to, like you, defeat the evil and all that, I need something that'll keep. My point is, where do I go about getting said Loaf-o's?
-Davis
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Dear Davis,
This is a really strange question. Have you talked to a psychologist? You might not understand this, but people named "Davis" don't fight evil like me. People named things like "The Human Torque" fight evil like I do. People named Davis run around screaming until I save them... Oh wait... My old name prejudice is acting up again. Sorry Davis, I'm sure you are great at fighting evil. So... you can get Loaf'O's through mail order. But I don't know why you'd want to.
-Cowman
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7/12/07
Dear Cowman,
Would a centralized system like the Department of Homeland Security or a decentralized system with deeper community connections better enable the U.S. to operate according to the goals of the Department of Homeland Security's Strategic Plan?
-tootiseroll93291
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Dear Tortoise Roll,
This sounds pretty "Governmenty" to me, but I'll give it a shot. I think that the best solution would be to centralize the Security, but decentralize the Homeland. By doing this, the homeland would be immune to concentrated strikes by terrorists, and our security would be nigh-impenetrable. You see what I'm saying? If we decentralize the homeland enough, the homeland will cover the entire world, and we'll always be fighting on home turf. This will give us an advantage over everyone who has no homeland.
-Cowman |
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More Ask-a-Hero pages: New 5 4 3 2 1
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Announcements:
1/30/08
Can Cowman do math? Is the US legal system fair? Ask-a-Hero!
10/26/07
How does Alftan to more than 3 things at once? Ask-a-Hero! I mean... read the new Ask-a-Hero!
7/16/07
Even more great Ask-a-Hero! Now loaded with RSS! We know that makes no sense!
5/21/07
Is Cowman really Dear Abby? Is Wereman an urchin? Find out today!
5/13/07
It is 2007, not 2006. Ignore our brief experiment in time travel.
5/10/06 ???
Like most weeks we've updated the store, and added new items.
3/13/07
Cowman 2, the classic TI-83 game, is now available for those with a graphlink.
2/20/07
The short film, Wrath of the Cowman, is now online.
1/9/06
New Movies section. See The Wereman Christmas Special.
11/16/05
New Christmas Desktop Wallpapers
10/31/05
Heroic Halloween Safety Advice! (Warning: may not contain actual advice)
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